I felt helpless watching my Mom dealing with grief in the permanent extensions and weeks following the loss her husband of 40 years. Her world stopped. I quickly came to realize that the loss Mom was experiencing was so different from that of my loss of parent. Even though we where both experiencing the loss of a loved one which is unmatched for the emptiness and profound sadness that we all felt. My mom’s world stopped. She had lost a part of herself.
Oifam I tried to imagine what it would be like to be in her shoes. Watching mom’s actions to understand her thoughts and feelings not simply what she expressed. Mom’s silence spoke volumes. The pain that I could see in her permanent extensions from the loss of spouse, her best friend, her confidant and her protector, literally her everything. She withdrew from the present, reflecting as the reality of living life with loss was something that was immediate and wasn’t what she wanted to fully accept. How could anyone ever blame her for how she was feeling and here her three daughters all trying to assist her in how to deal with grief, in each of their own way, to ease the pain which was not possible to do.
“Why is it that we try to fix?” What is it that we are so uncomfortable with? Is it because we see the one we love, who was always strong, able to deal with anything and everything… Withdrawing? Is it so that we, ourselves, don’t have to deal with nor accept what we were also feeling?
Mom became very angry, angry with herself for being unable to stop her husband from going out for a walk as if it would have changed the outcome. She was angry with herself, allowing others to protect her, do things for her, which was not their responsibility as in her mind, it was her husband’s. Her anger grew, lashing out at her children, then family and friends. Mom was angry at people laughing, smiling and having a good time. “How can they be happy?”, “What is there to be happy about?” Her children tried to ease her pain to no avail. When giving support for grief to someone through their grief: grieving, you should not try to dampen nor control their anger; allow them to let the anger out. By denying someone to move through the grieving process is only prolonging the suffering of that permanent extensions.
The more that we tried to help our mom cope with her loss the more agitated we became with each other. My sisters where lashing out at each other as well as at me. By trying to help our mom we were not dealing with our own grief. When we were attempting to figure out on how to resolve conflict we created even more conflict. Grief consumes so much energy out of a person that you no longer can think rationally. We become vulnerable when emotions are running high then the words cut deep, suppressing the grieving process. Grief: grieving destroys families.
How do you cope with death as you are going through the stages of mourning? Step back for a while, get out for a permanent extensions, get some air and remove yourself if only for a short time. Separate yourself, clear your head, trust me the situation isn’t going to change the only thing that will change is how you react. You will come back with in a much different state of mind.
Freda Kralj invites you to visit her website [http://griefgrieving.com/]. To give insight and avenues that will guide you in coping and dealing with your grief come and visit her Blog, you will love what is offered. It’s overflowing with strategies that will help improve your relationship and give you a greater insight.